Wheels on the bus

On Boxing day I woke up to the bus song, coming through loud and clear through the baby monitor. It was well after 8 - our schedule, if it can be called that, gets later and later if we let it, with bedtime back at 8:30 and Nina still not asleep by 9, the past few days. Anyway, after the wheels, and the wipers, and the children making TOO MUCH NOISE, and the bumping up and down, there was a new verse: "The Ninas on the bus say 'I love Mummy', 'I love Mummy, 'I love Mummy'  .... ALL day LONG". That really just made my week. 

      But in other ways, let's just say ...  Breaking NEWS!  Busy working parents find 2-year-old is having tantrums, situation frustrating!

      Bedtime drama continues. We decided that while Nina's clearly able to understand the sticker system, she needs an immediate consequence if things aren't going well, because it wasn't working although it's still a powerful motivator. So we've started leaving if she won't lie down for stories, and also picking a time on the clock and explaining that stories are over at that time, so if the pajamas aren't on blah blah blah then there won't be time for stories. So far, three nights, so good .. but like everything I get optimistic about, maybe it'll only last a week or two. Meanwhile we're now getting power struggles at dinner, with less at bedtime. I guess toddlers have an inherent need to test their parents' limits and rules.  

     I picked Nina up from nursery on their last day before the holidays. They asked me if I wanted her to move into preschool. Preschool? I thought. She's 2. Ok, 2 1/2. I don't think she should, although it would save us 44£ a week. It's a more structured environment, in which they learn abc's and counting and whatnot. It normally starts at or around age 3. They said that Nina is very smart and is ready, in terms of the learning side of things, but they agreed with me that being in a less structured, more playing, environment, is good for now. Many of her friends are not going yet, but a few are - the ones that are slightly older. This nursery has a great-looking preschool area, which was one thing we liked about it, all naturally lit with skylights and full of interesting activities. 
     Having spent year upon year upon year being bored in school, I don't want my child starting ahead at age 2, risking her being bored already by age 3. She likes counting (though she doesn't always get the idea that you count each thing once and only once). She's showing some interest in letters and reading but I don't want to push that. She's learned to sing simple songs, and it's cute. She remembers music, today I put on her baby Bach cd after months of not having it out, and she said "that one has a baby on the front", remembering the match between the case and the music. So naturally I'm proud as anything of all that, but ... but ... emotionally, tantrum-wise, sleep-needing-wise, playing-wise, she's a full-blown 2 years old. And she should enjoy it; we all should, while it lasts.

 

Daycare card etiquette?

Nina started daycare (nursery, it's called here) in November. If you've been reading this, you'll know that she was quickly followed home by every virus in the kingdom of England, most of which I caught, while A- was away for 2 weeks, and it was dreadful. Now it's over and I've been here and un-infected for two whole weeks - unprecedented, I tell you. 

   Anyway, she is out there every day, forging her own relationships and learning things. For example, she came home the other day and said something like "Olivia is my friend and Izzy is my friend and Phoenix is my friend and (several more) but Lou is not my friend". She wasn't able to say why not, so I asked about it. It turns out that Lou is a staff member who usually works with the babies but was with the 2-yr-olds for the day. I was glad to hear that Nina's not distinguishing levels of friendship with the other toddlers yet; while I love that she is developing quickly, and it's so fun to watch, there are many aspects of social behaviour that as far as I'm concerned can wait, forever.

   Today it was stormy, I was tired, it was gently hailing, and I had finished my undergraduate teaching until mid-January (YAY!), with a 2-hr lecture given to about 1/3 the class, the others having left for break early, I guess. So I'd come home and gotten the car to go pick her up. As we left, she pointed to the window and said "look Mummy, a CHRISTMAS!" (meaning a Christmas tree). "We have one at OUR house!", she said. "And, Father Christmas is coming!". I guess they tell them all about Father Christmas. Kinda cute, I suppose ... I have my reservations about whether we'll tell her that Santa brings presents or not. I guess I'm inclined not to, but this will obviously go against what everyone else does. Why don't I want to? I'm not sure. Anyway the conversation continued:  "We will get presents.... But, I already GOT a present". I said yes, you've already got some under the tree from Grandma, and Opa. "And, I got a present of markers" (recently bought at Shoppers in Vancouver, and highly popular). She sings Jingle Bells, sort of - it's really cute. She doesn't seem to know other Christmas songs.

    Along with learning about Christmas, and learning how to count, and paint, and about what stockings are, she is also getting Christmas cards. There have been two so far, from other kids. What's the etiquette here? I've never met the other parents; the daycare has social evenings but hasn't had one since November. And the parents' names aren't on them. It just says 'from Olivia' or whoever. Do these parents give cards to all the kids? Or is this because their child particularly mentions Nina? Is it weird to ask (surely the staff know, because they distribute them)? Is it the norm to give cards to all the other kids, or just those your kid talks about?  Is this some kind of crazy excess card-giving weirdness? It's kind of sweet until you start wondering whether you're expected to reciprocate ... 

    In other news we went to a big supermarket last weekend. Nina was really good the whole time and very patient. It was still a pain - I've always kind of hated doing that. And I should appreciate it while I'm here; I love not having to drive to a big supermarket every time I want cilantro, or fruit, or basically anything not available at 7-11. Our local Tesco express isn't super-cheap, but it's not terribly expensive, and it actually manages to have most of what we need most of the time, and we can get in and out of there in 10 minutes. Nina doesn't lose patience, and helps find things and put them in the basket, and it's a 2 minute walk from our place. For things not available at Tesco there is a range of local delis and little corner shops and a small Somerfield. Anyway, we still go up to the supermarket, a full 3-minute drive away, every age or two. And by then we need everything. Anyway the reason I wanted to remember this is that finally, when the cart was overflowing with our everything, I said that Nina had been a really good girl and now we should go play on the Thomas the Tank Engine ride while A- finished up the shopping and paid for it. And: oh my GOD, the excitement! The glee! The sheer, unrestrained joy of it! The anticipation! The adorable anticipatory giggling, jumping up and down and arm waving! Three days later, the satisfied smile and delighted mentions of this glorious event. Ah, toddlers. It's a little ride you put 1£ into, for 3 rides, and it gently bobs up and down making train sounds and allowing you to push buttons, turn wheels and thereby get extra choo choo sounds. And it's incredibly fun.

My students are cold

For various reasons I don't usually post about work here, although I might start - maybe it'll make it more interesting to read, who knows. I did write about the grant that is unofficially funded, which is a big success, and that's nice. I've been reading a few other academic blogs recently, mainly when my favourite other parenting blogs haven't been updated and I want something to read. Female Science Professor is really good, although discussions of tenure and whatnot are obviously more oriented to the American scene than the UK one. There was recently some stuff about how to handle it when one has an "unproductive" student or postdoc -- in particular, one should not blame these individuals for one's potentially weak tenure file, for example, as most faculty have dealt with this in one way or another over the years. I am extremely lucky with my PhD students so far; all are variously hard-working, creative, good programmers, good writers, and so on, to differing degrees in each, and with different personal styles, of course.

    The one thing they really have in common? 

    They are too cold. One ran into A- late the other evening and explained that it's warmer at work; she doesn't control the heat in her apartment and it's too cold. Especially in the mornings, it's very cold, because it's only on for a little while, so she has to get up and out pretty fast. Another said you can always see your breath in her flat. And a third said she bought a little heater, so now she'd like to work at home more, because it's cold at her desk. How am I supposed to be so productive, to involve my students in more publications and projects, when the temperature of the spaces around them effectively controls where they spend their time? This country is crazy, I tell you. People work with toques on in our library, and scarves too. The wind blows the papers around on my desk. Nothing has insulation. Every year, people explain that we are really not set up for winter here, as it doesn't happen often - but in fact, it does happen approximately every 12 months. And it makes the students too cold.

 

consistency

So, routine, as you may be aware, has never been my strong suit. Sure, I had heard that kids need it. But I never wanted it. It seems forced to me - why force yourself to eat dinner at the exact same time every day? Some days you might want to cook for longer, eat later. Other days you might want to go to a movie (and I mean you, as opposed to me: when do I go to movies? Still, I like some flexibility) and you'll eat a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. 

    Kids, however, do seem to benefit from consistency, which like routine, is not exactly my strong suit. Several episodes of Supernanny, together with the fading power of the stickers (don't get me wrong, it's still a stroke of genius, but ...) have convinced me that consistent, non-threatening consequences must be added to our sticker program. As a result, tonight after some pre-bedtime manipulation I have implemented a "one chance" policy. As in: Nina, if you don't come and brush your teeth by the time I count to 5, I will carry you there ... then a reminder ... then slow counting ... then carrying. Same for brushing the actual teeth. Same for putting nappy on. Same for everything. Wow. It's LOUD. And SCREAMY. I wonder how long this will go on for, with me going in there every 5-10 minutes and explaining it all over again. I feel like I'll still be doing this at 2am.
  Meanwhile ... I'll remind myself of the good things: the way Nina always wants to kiss me better if I'm hurt, the way she is so happy when I get her from nursery, the way she learns so fast, the hugs, the emerging sense of humour, the singing.  And the way, at least up to now, I've only had to actually be strict like this once or twice for it to sink in -- fingers crossed. And now I feel the tumbling, bonking, turning, kicking feeling of another active child on the way.

The incredible power of the sticker

 Well, after my 13 days of solo parenting A- came back. I got surprised for a day or two every time he did something like put the dishes in the dishwasher, or get them out again, having gotten used to doing every single tiny thing. It was nice. Very nice. I got another really bad cold. Then I flew to Vancouver for 4 insane days which I might or might not blog more about another time. I ate cheesecake and it was exactly the same as it was 15 years ago: fantastic. Flying in to the airport, especially internationally, is stunning - it's clean, it's mainly empty, it's got free wifi, it's got Native art, it's got plants, it's got flowing water, it's got waterfalls, it's got sculpture, it's got super-friendly bilingual staff of diverse ethnicities offering help, it's got a shiny new train station on a line into downtown. In other words it is the absolute opposite of every single aspect of flying in to the UK (where, I noted, one is greeted with a broken escalator, some garbage, a long dreadful walk to Heathrow central bus station, a 45-minute pointless and ultimately ineffective wait in a freezing cold line for a totally ridiculous typically bullshit reason and so on). 

Now I'm back. I don't have a cold - this is the first evening with A- in London in a month that I haven't had one. I don't even really have jet lag, not having adjusted in the first place. 

And I want to blog about stickers. We've had more than our share of bedtime problems with Nina, and less than our share of other problems. At bedtime, you can't do a 'time out' or a treat or whatever because all of those things ultimately just give more delays. The solution? A big piece of paper, with colourful circles, hearts, stars, moons, and NINA in big colourful letters, all done in crayon; a 5£ set of stickers from the local WHSmith and some mini gift-wrapping bows. Each crying-free 'good girl bedtime' gets Nina one sticker, in one circle. After filling a column of circles: a gift-wrapping bow! On or under a colourful heart, star, moon or happy face! WOW! Oh my god - a STICKER?!  Bedtime problems were solved, at least for now, immediately. I mean, that very night. It's amazing. She's so psyched about putting it on there in the morning, and the BOWS. Wow. I help by making a big deal out of it, praising, clapping and so on. Stickers - who knew? A- is still saying it was a stroke of genius. 

It takes considerably more than that to motivate me. Promotions? Money? well, it takes quite a lot of money. A fancier job, maybe? The chance to move home, that's a good one. I know: a really great, warm, beach holiday with snorkelling involved, and great food, organisation included- that'd be awesome. Maybe a grand piano. All of them are hard to arrange. But a 2-year-old? It's all about the stickers.

And here's one more cool thing. Today Nina drew this. It's a plane. It's not a scribble! It's got wings! 

She has sudocreme on her face because the cold weather is making it dry and red. But she was happy that I was happy. I think she's really happy that I'm back. She was pretty thrilled when I said that after nursery we'd have some Mummy-Nina time. She relaxed, both last night and tonight, when on the verge of getting into bed, when I said that my trips are done and I'm not going on any more trips soon.  I taped the plane to the fridge.