solo, day 12

The home stretch is here: one more day. Some days haven't been at all bad, and in fact, I think that if we'd both been healthy this would have been no trouble. I think what's hard about parenting, or at least, one of many things, is the extreme unpredictability and emotional chaos. How can the child who is happily helping me empty the dishwasher one minute, cheerfully thanking me for passing her another spoon to put away, be in the throes of an unintelligible screaming fit three minutes later, over who knows what? Is it that she's "overtired" - the explanation for all aberrant behaviour? But it wasn't past her usual bedtime, although I think her usual bedtime is perhaps a bit late now that she's at the nursery. After that, she basically had a tantrum over every single goddamned stage of bedtime. Now, you wouldn't think there'd be many stages, would you? I mean, get the pajamas on, read the stories, and into bed. Oh no! you'd be wrong. There was the crying over wanting to go back out and walk to the bedroom (I had carried her, cuddling her because she was getting over the first tantrum and had said she was sorry. oops). There was the tantrum over whether to climb on to the change table herself - yes, she wanted to, but naturally, not any time soon... typical. Then back to the walking to the bedroom one. Then one about the stories. Then getting into the bed. Then one about the light - wanting it on, although I've decided it shouldn't be left on while we're not in there because it's a fire hazard (damned English wiring - how can 6 bulbs go out in one week? we go through them like they're going out of style, which, of course, they are, being incandescent. Grr). By this point, she *was* too tired. 

  Ok, enough of that rant. Feels good to get it out, especially since it's not like I've had social contact with anyone for the last 11 days. The one-hour wait in the doctor's office doesn't count, nor does the 10-minute conversation with the doctor establishing the fact that her ear is fine and despite intermittent fever and listlessness and ear pain and rash pain and incessant snottiness and disturbing, sleep-disrupting, lung-ejecting persistent endless oh-god-when-will-they-stop night-time coughs, she does not seem to need antibiotics... 

  In total: I need a drink. Not the red berry tea I'm planning to have, mind you. A real drink. Ideally this drink would be followed, throughout the evening, by several other drinks, in the company of good friends, and since this is a fantasy anyway, old friends, the kinds of friends you just never replace, no matter how many nice new friends and acquaintances you make. I miss you, guys, if you're out there.

  So, is there good news? well, I guess she doesn't have an ear infection or a UTI, and she's now asleep (very good news). Other than catching every bug in the kingdom (all of them viral, dammit, or we'd have cured them with drugs by now) she's doing well at nursery. Hannah, with considerable devotion, made a replacement for the piece of the bus puzzle that we lost the first time we opened it, and Nina is absolutely delighted.  She makes that bus puzzle every single day. Probably the most hours of entertainment 5£ has ever bought.

   And finally, I think I've been awarded my first major research grant. They wanted a new impact plan with more specific objectives but have recommended it to be funded. It's good -- it's good for my career etc etc but also, I believe in the work and if we're successful we will reduce the cost of a vaccine, one that's currently used widely only in rich countries - so we'd help, is my point. Not that I have time to do the work, of course, although we'll have postdocs. Are academics the only people in the world who struggle really hard and compete for the grants to allow them to do more work, for no extra pay? Anyway, it's good.

solo parenting, day 6

Ok, so all's well until somebody gets an absolutely terrible cold. I felt it coming on on Monday, then taught my computer lab class on tuesday, then .. what a nightmare. The worst moment, I think, was when I wouldn't let Nina open the sticky hard-to-open door herSELF, in a moment of impatience, and told her I'd be waiting in her room with her milk and her stories if she wanted to come in. Now, in my defense, this was after a LOT of moments of patience, some of which had to do with that very same door, mixed with a LOT of sneezing on my part. She threw a massive tantrum, of course, as any tired toddler who's just been told suddenly that she can't do something HERSELF is prone to do. So, I found myself sitting in her room crying, with her standing in the kitchen crying, and I was thinking, couldn't I have had 2 more minutes of patience? 

   Wednesday was worse, cold-wise; went to a couple of meetings that I felt I really shouldn't cancel. I came home and slept, watched dvds and tried to work (unsuccessfully). We had some other screaming disaster, I don't remember its details. These come right at bedtime. Yesterday was fine. Today she did the dinner thing, where she won't eat, but she loses it when you try to do the dishes. I gave in ('cause I'm a sucker) and said she could play for a while and try again. 20 minutes before I wanted bedtime to start I convinced her to try again. And again, she didn't want to eat, and even choked on a bite and spat it back out. But she still wouldn't let me take it away; I had to calm her down off a tantrum just to brush her teeth. Then I noticed she felt warm, and her nose had gotten runnier. I am taking up compulsive hand sanitizing, but I don't think there is any chance she could catch something and not transmit it to me. Little vector. But I don't know what I'll do if I get something else.

    In other news, apparently at a somewhat chaotic moment at nursery when they were getting all the kids' coats and mitts on, Nina calmly said "We've been through this". I guess I say that, as in, "come on Nina, we've been through this, we have to brush your teeth before bed"... But she's always just fine there, and when I pick her up, she says "I had a great day!" and she gives me a huge big hug and a smile.

    6 days down, 7 to go.

 

solo

A. is away for just about TWO WEEKS. So, to keep myself amused (on top of my 5 PhD students, my 6+ hours/ week of teaching, my prep for talks I'm giving and my toddler care) I figured I'd blog more. The good news is that, after following through that one time, Nina now says "remember, I was just playing, and mummy lift me up... climb in when mummy SAYS", and by and large, she does it. So that's good.You don't have to follow through too often, with Nina - she learns, and takes us more seriously with other things. Next up: the frequent dinnertime battle, in which Nina doesn't eat, and goes off, only to have a PANIC ATTACK when she spots someone doing the dishes and/or packing leftovers away. At that time, she screams, runs into the room, and whines "I want to eat my dinner". It's annoying. I usually just slowly get her to eat it by explaining that we eat at dinner time, and that we clean up, otherwise it gets messy at our house, blah blah blah. One of these days I'll have to put it away and actually not give it back, precipitating a wakeful night. Although really, it's only been once in the last few months that she's actually woken up in the night asking for the food she didn't finish. I just can't face it now, with A. away.

     I was away last week, at a conference in Amsterdam. It was good, busy, nice to sleep in a hotel room with no toys in it, and with ample heating (my GOD! my towel dried between my nighttime bath and my morning shower! HOW is it POSSIBLE? and it's so unecessary: they supply more than one towel per guest... and it's heated along the entire, short, middle-of-the-night visit to the bathroom, so you don't have to fumble in the dark for your wool slippers and then freeze your tush off... you get the idea, especially those of you who've been here). Nina would have loved it there. I had a view over the water, so there were lots of boats, and I could see trains entering the central station, and streetcars. I can't wait to go back, with her next time. 

     So, solo parenting: so far so good. Yesterday we hung out all morning, made bagel dough, and cleaned the floors. Cleaning the floors can provide almost an hour of entertainment if your toddler wants to hold the mop with you, and then take a turn doing the whole floor HERSELF. Had lunch, had nap, went to zoo very quickly because they close at 5, had whiny crankiness because I didn't realise she was hungry, came home, had leftovers, shaped bagels, put toddler to bed, boiled and baked bagels, watched Jamie Oliver's food revolution on youtube, and that was it. Fun show. And the bagels are great.

    Today: rushed to get Nina to nursery before I had to teach at 9, but made it. Then I walked over to pick her up, heard about how well and how quickly she's adjusting to it there, and how good she always is and how much fun she has and all, and we retrieved our stroller. It had stayed there all weekend. Then we came home, made some bus puzzles, had some homemade mac+cheese with grilled asparagus, took forever eating dinner (as above with the screaming panic), and then had a bedtime. Not bad.