solo, day 12

The home stretch is here: one more day. Some days haven't been at all bad, and in fact, I think that if we'd both been healthy this would have been no trouble. I think what's hard about parenting, or at least, one of many things, is the extreme unpredictability and emotional chaos. How can the child who is happily helping me empty the dishwasher one minute, cheerfully thanking me for passing her another spoon to put away, be in the throes of an unintelligible screaming fit three minutes later, over who knows what? Is it that she's "overtired" - the explanation for all aberrant behaviour? But it wasn't past her usual bedtime, although I think her usual bedtime is perhaps a bit late now that she's at the nursery. After that, she basically had a tantrum over every single goddamned stage of bedtime. Now, you wouldn't think there'd be many stages, would you? I mean, get the pajamas on, read the stories, and into bed. Oh no! you'd be wrong. There was the crying over wanting to go back out and walk to the bedroom (I had carried her, cuddling her because she was getting over the first tantrum and had said she was sorry. oops). There was the tantrum over whether to climb on to the change table herself - yes, she wanted to, but naturally, not any time soon... typical. Then back to the walking to the bedroom one. Then one about the stories. Then getting into the bed. Then one about the light - wanting it on, although I've decided it shouldn't be left on while we're not in there because it's a fire hazard (damned English wiring - how can 6 bulbs go out in one week? we go through them like they're going out of style, which, of course, they are, being incandescent. Grr). By this point, she *was* too tired. 

  Ok, enough of that rant. Feels good to get it out, especially since it's not like I've had social contact with anyone for the last 11 days. The one-hour wait in the doctor's office doesn't count, nor does the 10-minute conversation with the doctor establishing the fact that her ear is fine and despite intermittent fever and listlessness and ear pain and rash pain and incessant snottiness and disturbing, sleep-disrupting, lung-ejecting persistent endless oh-god-when-will-they-stop night-time coughs, she does not seem to need antibiotics... 

  In total: I need a drink. Not the red berry tea I'm planning to have, mind you. A real drink. Ideally this drink would be followed, throughout the evening, by several other drinks, in the company of good friends, and since this is a fantasy anyway, old friends, the kinds of friends you just never replace, no matter how many nice new friends and acquaintances you make. I miss you, guys, if you're out there.

  So, is there good news? well, I guess she doesn't have an ear infection or a UTI, and she's now asleep (very good news). Other than catching every bug in the kingdom (all of them viral, dammit, or we'd have cured them with drugs by now) she's doing well at nursery. Hannah, with considerable devotion, made a replacement for the piece of the bus puzzle that we lost the first time we opened it, and Nina is absolutely delighted.  She makes that bus puzzle every single day. Probably the most hours of entertainment 5£ has ever bought.

   And finally, I think I've been awarded my first major research grant. They wanted a new impact plan with more specific objectives but have recommended it to be funded. It's good -- it's good for my career etc etc but also, I believe in the work and if we're successful we will reduce the cost of a vaccine, one that's currently used widely only in rich countries - so we'd help, is my point. Not that I have time to do the work, of course, although we'll have postdocs. Are academics the only people in the world who struggle really hard and compete for the grants to allow them to do more work, for no extra pay? Anyway, it's good.